I’ve mentioned here that I want my blog to be a sanctuary for me, a place I feel comfortable sharing my soul, but it’s hard sometimes to be open and honest about what weighs on my mind when I know other people read it and possibly judge me. I have HUGE issues surrounding fear of rejection so it’s hard sometimes for me to let others really get to know me, to let others in. But in the spirit of creating a place I can talk about anything and possibly work through things that bother me, I’m going to start sharing more of my inner thoughts. Journaling has always been really cathartic for me but by censoring what I write I haven’t allowed myself that catharsis. So, here goes some opening up.

Currently my thoughts are weighed down, pun intended, by my weight. I weigh about 200 pounds more than my ideal weight and I passionately hate being so fat. Frankly, it gets in the way of living my life the way that I want. I feel lousy. I look lousy. My self esteem is non existent. Generally I want to just curl up under the covers and hide. I realized that my weight has moved out of the realm of something I can just continue to whine about and into an area of serious concern when my husband made a random comment that maybe we should take a trip to Hawaii. My immediate reaction was terror. I’d have to cram myself into the airline seat! The seatbelt might not fit! Hawaii is a place I’d want to walk about taking tons of photos and I’d get hot, sweaty and out of breath! Not to mention the fact that one of the main attractions of Hawaii is the beaches and I certainly can’t wear a bathing suit. I passionately LOVE to travel and see new places, so for me not to immediately want to pounce on his random comment and jump at the chance to go to Hawaii is a really big wake up call that my weight(and life) have spun too far out of control. You’d have thought this would have come sooner, maybe after I’d gained the first 100 extra pounds, but honestly the weight didn’t truly hinder my life until recently. Sure, it bugged me and I’d half heartedly attempt to do something about it on occasion but I was still relatively okay and functioning.  I always felt fairly healthy. I was able to be as active as I wanted. I have a happy marriage. No one has ever been rude or hateful to me about my weight. So I guess I was able to be in denial pretty easily. Apparently though I have suddenly hit the magical number on the scale that screams IT’S TIME TO DO SOMETHING! Starting a few months ago I’ve begun to find it increasingly hard to do physical activities. I’m self conscious to the point of wanting to hide away. I’m letting my weight stop me from doing things I want to do. I’m willing to admit to myself that I absolutely have to do something to start fixing the damage I’ve done to my body, and my life. Soon, no make that right now STARTING TODAY, I’ve got to make changes in my life and begin digging my way out from under this mound of fat I’ve hidden myself behind. I know that for me this isn’t a simple diet issue. I’ve got emotional baggage/issues I have to sort out too. The weight is simply a symptom, not the cause. I’ve done the dieting thing with success many times before, but always put the weight back on. This time has to be different. I have to find a way to eliminate or at least control the issues that have led to my weight battles: namely lack of self esteem and self worth. So, today I am declaring that things are going to change. I’m not sure yet exactly how. All I know is that I’ve opened my eyes. I’m not hiding anymore. I’m going to step forward and start a journey towards creating a new, improved, healthy ME. The me I’ve always wanted to be, and always hidden away. I’m going to start taking care of myself. I’m going to learn to love myself. And I’m going to record some of that process here.

So, how is that for opening up?

I often think of writing things here and then stop myself, wondering what people might think of me or how it will change their perception. Sometimes I worry about giving out too much information. My husband and his family are all quite private people and I wouldn’t want to upset anyone by sharing too much online. And I worry about opening myself up to others, showing the ‘real’ me, my true feelings & thoughts, and being rejected. Keeping a journal has always been a small form of therapy for me, a way for me to work out & overcome issues that are upsetting me but because this is online and accessible to the entire world I find myself holding back a little bit. I don’t want to upset anyone. I worry far too much about the approval of other people sometimes. I really want to be liked, to be accepted, doesn’t everyone? But when that need holds me back from allowing others to see the many sides of who I am and keeps me from truly enjoying & getting everything I can out of the journalling experience then I need to overcome my people pleasing tendencies.

My journal is dedicated to celebrating beauty, love, & self-improvement so I have tried to focus mainly on positivity but sometimes I need a place to whine, rant, complain, cry, or just share some of the less fun topics that are often swirling around in my brain yet I often censor myself, feeling that no one is going to want to read those thoughts. Constantly second guessing myself has turned my journal into just another chore for me and I hate that. I want it to be my sanctuary, a place I can share the sad, sublime, and silly thoughts that are inside of me.

Hopefully I will find my voice. Hopefully I’ll find the courage to open myself up and really create a true home for my spirit here. A place of beauty where I can write about ANYTHING.  The few people who read here may see a change in the sorts of topics I post about and hopefully you’ll stick around to watch me find my way, but if not it’s been great meeting you.  Life is a constant process of discovering yourself, and that’s what I plan to use this journal to do.

Emerson wrote something once that has always stuck with me. To paraphrase him: Speak what you feel today and tomorrow speak what you feel also, though it may contradict what you’ve said previously. To be great is to be misunderstood. Trust thyself. Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist.  I think all of those thoughts came from his essay Self-Reliance. Have I mentioned before that I love the transcendentalist writers? See, the sharing of my inner soul has already begun!

We just got back from a short visit to Sequoia National Forest, an impromptu trip just to escape from the normal routine and enjoy Memorial Day. It was really lovely, particularly since we got to see the redwoods while snow fell gently down on us. Granted, it was a bit cold and wet but still wonderful. I have never smelled air so clean and fresh. What a relaxing way to spend the holiday together. I love taking trips with my husband :).

I really love my husband

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” Henry David Thoreau

The theme for April 7th at Affirmation Monday is NOW, living in the moment, being truly present in your life. Personally this is something I struggle with. I’m always daydreaming about the future or reminiscing about the past while letting golden moments of the present pass me by. All we truly have is the moment we are living RIGHT NOW and I want to learn to focus on enjoying and taking advantage of each passing moment. Living in the moment means to be completely immersed in what you are experiencing, instead of thinking about the next thing that needs to be done or worrying about mistakes made in the past. To often I find myself just going through the motions of an activity instead of putting my whole heart, mind and soul into it. I feel hurried because my mind has already moved on to the next task while my hands are busy with something else. I think if I could just slow down and focus on what’s going on in the moment, not only would I be a happier person but the quality of my life & activities would dramatically improve. After all you can’t really do something well when you’re already worrying over the next thing you want to get done. I need to make the commitment to myself to find the sacredness & joy in every moment, to completely connect to my spirit and to the world I live in.

There is a wonderful post about this same subject over at EvenStar Art called Live Here Now that is well worth reading!

Stock used for my photomanipulation: Persephone, AP-TURE, Miamiamia

I have to admit, I’ve had a touch of the winter blues lately. I’ve been completely lethargic, unproductive, a little bit lost and lacking in creativity. Not to mention having very little zest for life in general. I’ve just wanted to snuggle under the blankets with my husband and hide from the world. Even here in usually sunny southern California winter can be a deary, wet, gloomy time. However spring is definitely on the way. The hillsides are turning green and the air is fresh and crisp with the hint of early blooming flowers. Now it’s time to dig myself out of this winter rut and rediscover my passion for living (beyond just adoring my husband ). I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve wanted to keep a blog. I thought that by journaling I could rediscover my “voice”, re-ignite my creativity, rebuild my sense of self and remind myself to appreciate all of my MANY blessings. As March arrives, and a new season slowly unfurls, I want to find little ways to lighten my soul and bring spring into my heart as I pull myself out of the slump I’ve been in for the past few months.

Appropriately enough the Inspire Me Thursday Challenge theme is LEAP. Just perfect for me since I need to find a way of my own to leap back into life and embrace the beauty of spring and the world around me. My submission for the challenge is this photo taken in Avalon on Catalina Island on my 35th birthday last September(an absolutely WONDERFUL memory!).

If anyone reads this I’d love to hear about what brings joy & beauty to your world, the things that make you feel beautiful or contented, alive or peaceful. What gives you moments of bliss?